A Brothers Gotta Work: Part One

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a billionaire. Yet.
Sure, I released a pretty successful album and I've toured the country a few times over. But that don't mean I'm loaded. It costs money to record albums and definitley costs money to tour. The Denny's and IHOP bills alone are in the thousands. Not to mention my jewelry, sneaker, and tee shirt expenses. Bottom line is, sometimes I have to take a less than glamorous job to keep up with my tastes. That's right! I'm a hustler, baby. I've had jobs you wouldn't believe. So what if they didn't last long? I still had em.

The first job I ever had was at Hollywood Video. I had just turned 17 and was pretty desperate for cash. They hired me as a "video associate", but I think that's just the H-Wood term for front clerk. The job had some perks. I got to stock my own shelf of staff favorites and there was free candy! At least I think it was free. I pocketed those sour patch kids like it was nobodies business. Plus, they let me wear as much jewelry as I wanted. That may not sound like a perk, but in 2006, I was all about my jewelry.

The job had lots of disadvantages though. I had to listen to the same 30 minute loop of commercials and songs over and over again. I mean, I would literally dream about that loop. That shit honestly haunted me! I still shudder every time I hear Gnarles Barkley's Crazy. And then there was my mouth breathing, morbidly obese coworker. We'll call him "Tom". Tom was a borderline terrifying dude who loved telling me about the screenplay he was writing. You wanna know the plot of his screenplay? It was about a video store employee who murdered his co-workers and put their decapitated heads in the video return box. Yep, you heard that right. So between the insessant loop of songs and the fear of having my head chopped off, I only stayed there about three months.

Whatever. I took the money and ran. Next up was a job at Entertainment Tonight, where I was put on Jon Benet Ramsey duty. What a joy it was looking at videos of John Mark Karr for hours! Anyway, that's another blog for another time. Don't worry. I've just begun. I have plenty of work-related horror stories to share.

I HATE BARN OWLS!

I honestly thought I knew what owls were. And frankly, I had no problem with them. I mean, who doesn't love those plastic owls people use to scare crows away? Those things are great! The Owl from Winnie the Pooh? Darling. And since I haven't finished (or started) college yet, I've always had great respect for owls and their reputation for wearing graduation caps. I mean, they're basically the valedictorians of the animal kingdom. Oh, I totally forgot about the Tootsie Pop Owl! He was awesome. Okay, maybe he was a little smug. But I could deal with that.

What I can not deal with are these disgusting monsters. WARNING! THIS IS BEYOND DISTURBING. Click HERE if you dare. I. Have. No. Words.

Sorry if you just burped up lunch. That shit scared me too. You can't create creepiness like that. If there's a Hell, that place is surely filled to the brim(stone) with barn owls and guinea pigs. Don't get me started on guinea pigs. That's another blog for another time. I can only deal with one of Satan's minions at a time.

BTW, doesn't the first pic look more like a Furbie than an owl? If those owls had any sense, that's the direction they'd be aesthetically heading. I don't know whose in charge of evolution, but start taking notes. From Me. Now.

IAN SLOANE IS THE SHIT

This past Sunday, I had the distinct pleasure of attending the listening party for Ian Sloane's new album, Let's Talk Tomorrow. Ian Sloane is a great friend of mine and an AMAZING artist. I swear to God, this kid is gonna be the next Timbaland. His album is an intoxicating mix of hip hop, rock, pop, electronica, and soul. I've honestly never heard anything like this record. Ian sings, raps, writes, produces, and plays nearly every instrument on L.T.T. The album features many collaborations, including two with me.

The first song we worked on together was his re-imagining of the Carlotta song, Caroline. Now Caroline was one of the first songs Andrew and I ever wrote together for Carlotta. It was way back in 2005 when we were both school boys at Harvard Westlake. I remember going into one of the piano rooms during a free period and just laying that shit dooown. I love that song and it really means a lot to me. There is a real Caroline and she's just as amazing and insane as the song makes her out to be. Long story short, when I heard that Ian wanted to do his own version of it, I was preparing myself to not love it. Turns out, his version was slick as fuck and truly blew me away. It's not a cover and it's not a remix. It's a re-imagining. Okay, I know that sounded lamer that an Uggs-Crocs hybrid, but I don't know what else to call it. He asked me to sing on the song and I happily did.

After the success of that collaboration, we decided to do another song together. I went into his studio prepared for a long day of singing and writing. But it really didn't take that long. In five minutes, You Need Me was born. I seriousley just sang the first things that came into my head when I heard the beat. Turns out, it worked. I love all different types of music, so it's always nice to write for other artists in different genres. Ian was even nice enough to leave in my vocals in the chorus.

I don't know why, but I feel like this song is gonna go places. It just sounds so radio-ready. I can hear it on T.V. I can hear it in video games. I can hear this shit in movies. Maybe my dream of having my music in a chick flick fashion montage will finally come true! In any case, give a listen. You can here You Need Me by clicking Here or by checking out Ian's Myspace page.

Warhol Was Wrong!

In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of PRIVACY.

BTW, just saw Factory Girl on T.V. and all I can say is DAMN! Warhol was an A-hole! But I guess all artists have a little monster in them. I certainly do. But mine is more of an Elmo type monster.

If You Can't Achieve It, Weave It!

I have a strange fascination with weaves. I always have. I'm not entirely sure of the origin of this obsession, but I'm gonna blame it all on Ricki Lake. Feel free to blame all of your problems on her. I certainly find it to be helpful.

Anyweave, when I was a wee lad, I used to watch The Ricki Lake Show religiously. As a seven year old, I was all about Ricki. Jenny Jones and Sally Jesse were aight, but they had nothing on my girl. While I loved the boot camp episodes (You don't know me! You don't know me), I was UBB-sessed with the "Weave War" specials. I mean, I would literally tape that shit on VHS. After watching those episodes, I became desperate for my own weave. I begged my mom for one, but she just told to me to "wear a fun hat". Bitch Please. As if I'm gonna walk around the house in a Dr. Seuss raver atrocity. Okay, maybe I did. But come on, who didn't wear a tall felt hat at least once in the 90s? I just wanted to live in a world where motors and living doves were acceptable hair accessories. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was.

A lot of people are turned off by the notion of wearing someone else's hair on their head. I think those people are missing the point. The idea that struggling third world women grow out their hair so that rich Americans can glue it to their scalps is part of what makes weaves so amazing! It's like a Twilight Zone episode, but Real!

I once read a coffee table book that claimed when the masses start to wear false hair, it signified the beginning of a societal decline. The author pointed to the Egyptian and Roman Empires as examples. With 2012 just around the corner, that seems about right. Everybody and their Nana is rocking a weave these days. Armageddon, Here We Come! You can blame Ricki, Britney, or any of the other weave pioneers!

BTW, my false hair dreams did eventually come true. I had a weave for about a month last year and it was just as bizarre as I had hoped. My hair was pretty short to begin with so I only extended it like 5 inches. Hey! Don't gimme that Bret Michaels: Rock of Love pity look. It was just a fun experiment. A fun experiment that left me with a dime sized bald spot next to my ear. Oh well. I guess it was worth it. Look at that glorious weave blowing in the wind.

Give Drew The Emmy Now!!!

Grey Gardens is one of my favorite movies of ALL time. In case you're unfamiliar with the 1975 documentary, lemme catch you up. It's basically the story of "Big Edie" and "Little Edie", the aunt and cousin of Jackie O. The movie follows the mother and daughter and their bizarre life at Grey Gardens, a dilapidated mansion in East Hampton. It's heartbreaking, hilarious, and shockingly human. You should seriously see it if you haven't. It's a classic.

When I first heard that HBO was making a movie based on the doc, I had mixed feelings. The fact that they hired Drew Barrymore to play Little Edie only added to my confusion. Don't get me wrong. I love Drew. I mean, what's not to love? She has a lisp, was a cokehead at 12, and comes from the Valley. She's basically like every friend I've ever had. But could Drew pull off the role? Turns out, Hell to the Yes.

I just watched the trailer for HBO's Grey Gardens and was knocked the fuck sideways. Drew Barrymore IS little Edie. She even has the East Hampton accent down pat. That's a STAUNCH performance right there. Just give this bitch the Emmy now. Contest over. Fuck, I know this shit is on T.V., but give her an Oscar. I know it's just a trailer, but come on. This movie looks amazing.



If you liked that, you should see the real movie first. Here's one of the most famous clips.

My Personal Style Icons

I have strange taste. I always have. While my color blindness may account for some of my choices, a lot of my personal style comes from my influences. Here are some of the fashion icons that I look up to. Drum roll please. No drum set? Well come better prepared next time.

Of course there's the legendary Buddy Holly. I mean, come on. That look is still fresher than fresh 50 years later.

As a child of the 90s, the looks of Cher Horowitz in Clueless will always hold a special place in my heart.

Who else could pull off a red vest, polka dot shirt, and suspenders? Jack Pumpkinhead's style will always be classically strange. Plus his amazing body would put any model to shame.

No one pulled off the "I don't give a fuck" quite like Kurt. I do give a fuck, but it's good to look like you don't sometimes.

Most of the time I'm able to keep my influences in balance. Sometimes my brain tells me to do naughty things and I end up looking like homeless dude on Sesame Street. Exhibit A: The pic below from an early CARLOTTA show in 2006. It looks like my fashion influences puked all over me. Actually it looks I was under the influence when I got dressed. Maybe I was? Junior year of high school was kinda fuzzy. In any case, I stand by it. I might just have to rock that look at our next show.