If You Can't Achieve It, Weave It!

I have a strange fascination with weaves. I always have. I'm not entirely sure of the origin of this obsession, but I'm gonna blame it all on Ricki Lake. Feel free to blame all of your problems on her. I certainly find it to be helpful.

Anyweave, when I was a wee lad, I used to watch The Ricki Lake Show religiously. As a seven year old, I was all about Ricki. Jenny Jones and Sally Jesse were aight, but they had nothing on my girl. While I loved the boot camp episodes (You don't know me! You don't know me), I was UBB-sessed with the "Weave War" specials. I mean, I would literally tape that shit on VHS. After watching those episodes, I became desperate for my own weave. I begged my mom for one, but she just told to me to "wear a fun hat". Bitch Please. As if I'm gonna walk around the house in a Dr. Seuss raver atrocity. Okay, maybe I did. But come on, who didn't wear a tall felt hat at least once in the 90s? I just wanted to live in a world where motors and living doves were acceptable hair accessories. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was.

A lot of people are turned off by the notion of wearing someone else's hair on their head. I think those people are missing the point. The idea that struggling third world women grow out their hair so that rich Americans can glue it to their scalps is part of what makes weaves so amazing! It's like a Twilight Zone episode, but Real!

I once read a coffee table book that claimed when the masses start to wear false hair, it signified the beginning of a societal decline. The author pointed to the Egyptian and Roman Empires as examples. With 2012 just around the corner, that seems about right. Everybody and their Nana is rocking a weave these days. Armageddon, Here We Come! You can blame Ricki, Britney, or any of the other weave pioneers!

BTW, my false hair dreams did eventually come true. I had a weave for about a month last year and it was just as bizarre as I had hoped. My hair was pretty short to begin with so I only extended it like 5 inches. Hey! Don't gimme that Bret Michaels: Rock of Love pity look. It was just a fun experiment. A fun experiment that left me with a dime sized bald spot next to my ear. Oh well. I guess it was worth it. Look at that glorious weave blowing in the wind.